excuses

so i wonder, while i am on the train, why didn’t i make his snap while i was talking to him. thought about it had my hand on the leiquinha in the bag but raced off. still had plenty of time to make the train but i feared that i would talk so long that i would have to race for it. didn’t think about it – the snap – at first it came when talking about invisibility. photographically it had potential – a night portrait on the streets with the security of the instant review of a digital slr. would have control my breathing, slowly squeeze the shutter and repeat if necessary. he wasn’t going anyplace he was in a wheel chair. my excuses were had the leiquinha which is disrespectful to people. i want something larger, slower levelling the vulnerability factor between the subject and me. it was night and i had a train to catch. but i was showing him disrespect by not treating him as i would anyone – nearly – that i run into. we chatted so a photograph – or at least an attempt at one – should have been the result. in not doing so i – unbeknownst to him – treated him with the same invisibility that he was bemoaning when people pass and not see him. i added to the justifications of my actions that i don’t want to photograph the homeless, disabled as i don’t want people to find fault and thus justification for their situation – no wonder he’s…-you can see why she’s… i regularly run into another homeless buddy, we chat, joke, i dip into his cup of change and pocket some quarters, give him a dollar and ask for change etc. but never raised a camera. i have a preference for their belongings, it leaves more to the imagination it also extends the awareness of them without their physical presence. but he wasn’t homeless he was buddy – forgot his first name – representing only himself. in the end it comes down to my guilt as to why the shutter wasn’t opened. to-day brought joãozão and between making grad students cry i race over to the customs house to see if i can find him and he remembers me. crossing state street i see him in his usual spot, a bus passes and he is gone. walk up look down the streets and find him chatting with a worker in a read doorway. he yells out a greeting, remembers me from last night. say that spoke to him last night and when i speak to people i have to make a snap. – sure. bend down to make one, with the leiquinha, in the alley as i want to be lower than he. make two. he says let’s head back to where we were last night and he wheels to congress and clark. make two more with joãozão one with a woman walking one where she dodges out of the way. getting up a taxi honks and the driver hands him a wad of money - i see what you mean. we chat longer when two more cabbies honk and put their hand out with cash in it. – yeah blacks won’t give me the time of day but these africans… not wanting to hinder his cash flow say good-bye and head back to the building where i.d’s are scanned to keep these type of people out.