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I have a good relationship with the post office – well except for the one that serves the house. The peasants pissoir post office belongs to the same universe as WKRP in Cincinnati, Hogan’s Heroes and Gilligan’s Island.

So in I come to the Bristol Post Office with a package that is 48x43 inches act like it is a postcard and ask to have it posted. It was too big.

I misunderstood this idea of girth. Nevertheless we stood there staring at it the ceiling was too low to put it on the balance. I left.

I am told that the way to send things to the rock is via Fedex never UPS. Who am I to question that.

I go on-line, it seems that I have to register with Fedex to do anything – three hours later I am registered have an account but can do nothing with it as what I want to ship keeps getting bounced back.

There was a time when I could go to the airport in Milwaukee and there would be a Fedex Office that would do anything as long as you had a bank card. Look on-line for this and all I can find is Fedex Kinkos who cannot handle this size of package I have to do it on-line.

I am more patient now so on-line I go once again and get all the way through the process when it says that I have to ring a number.

The person on the other end says yes I do. Do I want to schedule a pickup? No as the packages aren’t ready yet is there a place where I can drop them off?

The airport in Milwaukee.

This will be a problem as the packages will have to be balanced on the top of the machine while driven along I-94.

I have run out of glassine paper so I plan my next day on getting these packages out as time is running short.

After picking more rolls of glassine paper in Chicago, heading back I pass I real Fedex office.

No they won’t take the packages they are too big it is not the weight it is the girth. But there is this place…which so happens is only three miles from peasants pissoir down wind from the landfill.

I stop there – the place doesn’t look like a customer oriented place at all, I park outside the gates and walk into the equivalent to walking out on the runway of a major airport. All is see are gigantic juggernauts.

Go into the first door I find and yes I can send things from here.
-Do you have the papers I need to fill out?
A silence as she goes off to get the papers. If I get the package back by 8pm it will go out that day.

go home make the final package seal it try to fill out the paper work and cannot as I need a customs broker.

Go back with the paper work with all of this balance on the machine and ask her about this they can provide one but they are closed and I would have to ring to-morrow.

Go back home. Phone Fedex who tells me that my trouble is that it is my first time and it will get easier. They also confide in me that it is really for businesses they don’t expect people to send big stuff so there is no provisions on their form or the a box marked gift or personal effects. But if I go back on line and try again I’ll find that my account is activated and I am ready to go.

go back on line to see if I can try it that way but once again it refuses to accept the contents. I get back on the phone and talk to another Fedex representative who tries to walk me through then says that I’ll need a customs broker. The other person said nothing of this. I ring my evil twin to see if he has one.
-why?
I give him the story. He has one.
Type it in but still cannot get any further.
Everything is closed by now except – UPS

Ring them – they’ll take the package and I can even drop it off at the UPS shop not three miles away.
Are you sure?
Yes?
It is 48x48x3 and 48x43x3.
No problem it will be there in four days.
Don’t trust them and decide to drive to Windsor to run contraband photo across the border.
Ring UPS.CA and the package is too big
-but but but UPS.US will take it and send it to NEWFOUNDLAND and Labrador.
-they will?

What do I have to lose, I cannot get through to the automatons at Fedex so I head up to The UPS store snaps balanced on the machine.

The woman checks has me fill out the paper work she say it will be there yesterday.

I say that it just has to be there by the 25th

I get home to find that the date has been pushed back to the 18th as it left Illinois.

Right now it is in the True North Strong and Free – well sort of Québec –due to arrive 15 June.

I hold my breath.